Survivors Guilt
by ellie82
Summary: After losing the most important thing in his life, Paul turns his back on La Push and everyone in it. What happens when the past finally catches up with him? Can he walk away, or will he unwillingly be dragged back into the life that he's been avoiding?
1. How It Ended

Paul POV - Introduction

As I looked across the meadow, I saw only death. Blood and ash covered the ground, mingling together to form a crimson grey carpet. Not far from me a raging fire burned, giving off a putrid smoke that signalled the destruction of our enemies.

We always knew that the Volturi would return. They weren't exactly the kind of psychos to let things lie, and the Cullens had made it clear that they didn't forgive and forget. Unfortunately, what we didn't expect was for it to take them less than two years to declare war against us.

Luckily, we had been more prepared this time - the Cullen's had strong allies and our pack had grown and fully matured. As a result we had won - if you could call _this_ winning...

Rachel was still dead - she was never coming back no matter how many battles we won.

I replayed the night she was murdered in my mind once again; we were supposed to have been celebrating, but I had stupidly been running late from patrol and failed to buy dessert. Seeing how tired I was, she insisted on going to the shops in my place. It was clear that I should never have let her go - I should have stopped her.

It was the thought of her dying moments that tormented me most of all. Knowing that she had been alone and scared broke my heart, but worse was the knowledge that she would have understood what was coming. My only gratitude was for the fact that she hadn't been changed - that would have been even more unbearable.

I'd tried to piece that night together many times, trying to see all the ways I should have saved her. All I knew was that somewhere along the drive to town the Italian bloodsuckers ran her car off the road. Her body had been found less than an hour later on the La Push border by Sam. By the time word got to me, she had already been taken to the Cullens. Of course there was nothing they could do for her. My baby had died alone in the forest, killed by the exact thing I was supposed to protect her from. I would never be able to forget the image of her drained broken body and I never wanted to. I deserved to remember my failure.

I knew a part of me had died the minute she did. The same cables that had bound me to her had snapped, but it wasn't a release it was more like drowning. She had been my life line, keeping me afloat and now that she was gone, the water was invading my lungs and I couldn't breathe.

It took me days to be able to focus on anything but the pain. The funeral was no more than a blur. Then suddenly I'd felt numb. Everything I had was gone. Everything I lived for no longer existed, and since there was nothing left I just stopped caring.

It was then that the witch twins arrived. Aro had sent them with a message that we could all either meet in battle or be picked off one by one. If we chose the latter, everything we knew and loved would also be stripped from us. Of course, that meant nothing to me because I had nothing to lose anymore, but I admit the idea of a war and the chance of revenge appealed to me greatly.

I had been so stupid to think that killing the Volturi would make things better.

Nothing had changed.

I still couldn't bring myself to feel or care, even as I looked at my injured pack dotted around the field. Instead, there was just an empty void where my heart used to be and it was impossible for it to get any bigger. Nothing could hurt more than losing Rachel.

I suddenly realised I was lying to myself; I did have one emotion left and that was anger. As I watched the Cullens clearing the field, I felt rage - once again the leeches had survived and our pack that had suffered. No, it was _Rachel_ that had suffered.

It was then that I decided that all of the bloodsuckers could burn in hell. Good, bad, friend, or enemy, it didn't matter. They all brought death upon us in some way. I looked around me at the proof and started counting heads.

In total we had lost three of the cubs from our pack, and Jake's pack had lost someone too. I hadn't really noticed until now, but as I looked around, my eyes found Embry, Quil and Jake huddled over a shape in mourning. I gradually looked for the remaining member of their pack and finally saw her.

She was standing with her back to the group just staring at the sky. I couldn't see her face properly and to be honest I didn't want to, but for the first time in my life, I felt like I could relate to Leah Clearwater.

* * *

AN

Ok, so I know I should be working on Amaguq and then on Reality Check, but this idea came to me and I just wanted to post it when I had time. This chapter is short because it is the intro, and I have no real direction yet, only that I've been wanting to do a Paul and Leah fic for ages and this came to mind. So, let me know what you think? xxx


	2. Seattle

AN

I feel like I should be hanging my head in shame. I've totally fallen off the grid with my updates and I'm so sorry. I could give you all of my excuses (and they are really good), but I know that doesn't matter to you guys. All I can say is that I'm stuck in the writing department and will do my best to update as and when I can. I'm not giving up on any of my stories. They will be finished!

Oh and also, I did have a beta, but she hasn't been in touch for some months and I know she had some personal stuff to deal with so didn't want to bother her. Unfortunately, that means that this chapter has not been beta'd so if anyone would like to assist with that, please message me because I'm sure it's not perfect.

Thanks my lovelies and please don't give up on me!

* * *

Paul POV

Three years had passed since that day on the field and everything had changed, including me. With my soul mate murdered, there had been no reason for me to stay in La Push. In fact, there had been no reason for me to exist, but after an evening spent staring at my father's old shot gun I found out the hard way that I was too big a coward to kill myself.

So, I took the only other option available and left. I didn't even say goodbye to anyone. I just disappeared and it turned out that for once I'd made the right choice.

Life didn't get better, but it became liveable. I still felt empty and broken. Rachel was still a part of my every thought and I missed her like crazy, but part of me could deal with that. It was the supernatural that I couldn't handle. I hated it. It had cost me everything. It was the reason I had never been back to La Push and completely quit phasing.

Seattle had now become the closest thing to a home I had. I lived in solitude in a small studio flat. At night I worked in a bar serving drinks and during the day I delivered parcels around the city. I kept myself so busy that I barely had time to dwell on anything. My daily routine never changed - sleep, work, eat, work, sleep. It was the same every day and that was fine with me. I didn't have any friends, no one knew me, and I liked it that way. I just wanted to fade away and so I did. The only people who would ever notice my absence would be my bosses, and even then they wouldn't be concerned. I had successfully made myself invisible.

Ironically, I had to retract my last thought. I clearly wasn't as invisible as I hoped seeing as the bar manager was now yelling at me, "Hey Paul, your shift ended half an hour ago. If you think I'm paying you extra you can forget it."

"Dick." I muttered, as I checked the clock and realised he was right.

"What was that?" he snapped back.

I knew he had heard me, but regardless I held my tongue, "Nothing, _sir_."

The owner of this dive was actually a reasonable guy, but the manager he employed was the biggest ass in existence. He had taken a disliking to me from day one and was always on my back. In the past, that probably would have bothered me, but these days I didn't even have the energy to fight. Plus, I couldn't afford to lose my job.

I quickly clocked out and grabbed my coat from the staff room. Despite not phasing, I still had all of my wolf traits, but I refused to acknowledge the fact. I wanted normality, which meant wearing clothes appropriate to the weather.

As I was leaving, I noticed in a corner of the room a group of five people sat at a table. I briefly glanced their way and was surprised to see that they looked Quileute. I didn't recognise the four guys, and the girl with them had her back to me. Nether-the-less, one look was enough to tell me that they were wasters and the kind of people that the Res' could do without.

I continued walking towards the exit, but to my surprise I heard a voice among them that I knew. It stopped me in my tracks. It was drier than it used to be, but I recognised it nonetheless. I froze automatically. I knew all I had to do was to just keep walking. After all, I had avoided _all_ of them for years - why did that need to change? There really was no need to go over there.

I moved a step forward, but couldn't go any further. Why was she with people like that?

Slowly, I turned around and looked closer at the group. The girl had long black wavy hair which fell halfway down her back. Her frame was smaller than I remembered and looked almost frail. I shook my head in disbelief - it couldn't possibly be her?

I inhaled deeply, trying to focus on her scent. It was the same woody smell that all of the wolves had, but still... I had to be mistaken - the guys wouldn't let her be around losers like that?

Then I realised they probably didn't care. They never came looking for me after all. The war had seemingly changed all of us.

I tore my eyes away, begging myself to keep walking and go home. Like I said, it probably wasn't even her, and so what if it was?

It was none of my business what Leah Clearwater did. We had never been friends or anything close. In fact, I had spent most of my years making sure she knew what a bitch she was and tormenting her just as much she tormented us. It wasn't until Seth died that I felt anything other than contempt for the girl.

"_Until Seth_ _died"_ Shitting hell - I hated my damn fucking conscience

"_She was also Rachel's friend." O_k, ok, just shut up already!

I cursed at myself once more and found myself walking back to the bar. I pulled up a stool in the corner and caught the eye of Jamie, another one of the bar tenders.

He came over to me with a confused expression. "It's not like you to stay behind."

"I fancied a drink." I shrugged, keeping an eye on the table where Leah was sitting.

"Well, what will it be?" Jamie asked.

"Bud," I handed him the cash with my order, and a minute later he returned with my beer.

Sipping my beer, I tried to get a good look at the guys she was with. They were being loud and boisterous clearly having had a few. Leah however, was remaining silent and had her head hung low. I watched as one of the guys slung his arm around her and whispered something unfriendly into her ear. Leah seemed to flinch and shoved him away before grabbing her handbag and storming, well more staggering angrily, off towards the exit.

Seeing her stand, I realised that I had been right when I thought she looked frail. Her toned body had completely disappeared and left behind a bag of bones. The tiny black dress she was wearing even looked too big for her and hung limply off her body, the curves no longer there to fill it. When my eyes reached her face I gritted my teeth. She looked incredibly gaunt and there were dark circles around her eyes. There was no mistaking it was her though, or a ghost of who she once was.

What had happened to her?

That thought, made me also wonder who the guy was with her and what he had said that pissed her off so badly, not that annoying her had ever been a hard task. It bothered me though in this instance. I had been unable to hear whatever was said over the music, but the guy's face had not looked pleasant.

As Leah cleared the exit and the door shut behind her my attention returned to the guys who seemed to be having an argument. Seeming to come to some sort of agreement, they quickly downed their drinks and trailed out after Leah.

I sat for a minute debating what to do. There was no need for me to get involved. Hell, I didn't even like Leah and whatever was going on was certainly none of my business. Plus, this was exactly the kind of stuff that got Rachel killed. Everything in La Push, including the people were toxic. They drew you in with all their drama and crap not considering the people that would pay the price for their mistakes. No, I didn't need to get involved. I needed to just let it go and sleep it off. Pretend I never even saw her.

So why was my gut instinct telling me to follow her?

I had worked the bar enough to tell the difference between peoples intentions and the group she was with were not nice people. Still, it was nothing to do with me, right?

I downed my drink and convinced myself to go home. Nodding at Jamie, I headed out into the street. There was a cue of people waiting to get in to the bar and it was fairly late in the evening, but the city was still buzzing with nightlife. I couldn't spot Leah or her friends anywhere and satisfied I had an easy escape I did up my jacket and started walking home.

I took my usual route, turning down a quieter street and away from the hustle and bustle of the city centre. It was a convenient short cut and I didn't exactly have to worry about being mugged seeing as I still had my heightened abilities. I hadn't got far though when I heard a trash can being knocked over and a feminine whimper from a nearby alley followed by a deep grunt.

"_This isn't happening."_ I thought, my legs already walking towards the sound. I reached the dark alley and peered down it. I saw two people's legs jutting out from behind a dumpster as they struggled on the floor and three guys standing around watching with expressions of amusement. I recognised them immediately from the club and as the group that had been with Leah. It was then that I caught her scent mixed in with blood on the night air.

"Hold still, bitch. You owe us, remember." The voice behind the dumpster shouted, followed by the sound of something being unzipped.

"Please, no. I'll get your money." Leah's week voice cried out, as her tiny legs kicked against the legs above her.

There was the sound of a sharp slap and her legs stopped moving as she fell silent.

I felt sick at the thought of what he was going to do to her and I knew that I couldn't ignore it, so I stepped into the alley. The three guys who were standing and watching looked up at me in surprise. They weren't very big, so although Quileute I knew they weren't wolves. They had usual signature long black hair and a few shit looking tattoos. The men definitely looked angry at being disturbed.

"Karl, we got company." One of them muttered.

The man behind the dumpster sighed and stood up. He dragged Leah up with him and I saw her nose was bleeding and her eye was swollen. He threw her to one of his mates, who grabbed her forcefully and held her against him. Leah, didn't even look up, her eyes remained fixed on the ground. Her dress was torn and hung haphazardly off her. Karl seemed unfazed by my presence and after doing up the fly of his jeans and straightening his shirt he walked towards me slowly.

"This is a private party." He sneered at me. "If you know what's good for you you'll keep walking."

He was clearly the biggest and oldest of the three, but still no threat in my opinion. A part of me, didn't really understand why Leah hadn't phased and kicked all of their butts already. I figured that wasn't of real importance right now though.

"I think the parties over don't you?" I said coolly.

Karl, suddenly pulled from his pocket a large flick knife, and pointed it at me. "Don't be a hero. Turn around and go home."

I ignored his attempt to look intimidating. It was laughable really seeing as I could easily rip his head off. "Just give me Leah and we can all go home. That way everyone win's, and I don't have to embarrass you in front of your buddies." I suggested.

A part of me didn't want to fight, but a huge part of me was delighted with the prospect. There was so much anger in me waiting for release that the idea of ripping these bastards apart appealed greatly. I had to remind myself that they were humans though, and it wasn't down to me to take their lives.

Besides, I had managed to bury my temper for three years and I didn't know if I let it loose what would happen. I certainly didn't want to get into a position where I phased and lost control. I had managed to block out that side for so long and I didn't want to go into that world again.

I realised that all of the men were looking at me in confusion, and Leah also raised her head and stared in my direction. It was horrible. As her eyes met mine it felt like I was looking in the mirror. She had the same pained look that I saw in myself every day. Surprisingly, she seemed unsettled by my presence and looked weak as her knees buckled slightly.

"You know this guy?" the man asked Leah accusingly and pointed at me.

She shrugged and slumped against the man that was holding her up as her eyes lid started to get heavy.

"Well seems to me like she doesn't know you." Karl smiled smugly, the streetlight reflecting off his knife as he took several steps closer to me. Two of his mates stepped forward following him.

I mimicked them and closed the distance between us even further until we were all standing about a metre apart. The guy holding Leah remained in the background.

"I won't ask you again. Let her go." I snarled, feeling the wolf inside stirring.

The three guys looked at each other, before Karl nodded. At what they must have assumed was fast they made a grab for my arms. I ducked and rolled to the side, missing their grasp and the knife that came stabbing at my gut. The men looked surprised by my swift movement, but immediately dived at me from different angles.

I made my decision and ran into the closest guy with my full weight behind me. I hit him with my shoulder and sent flying into the alley wall. There was a dull thud on impact, before he slid down the brickwork and landed in a crumpled heap on the floor unconscious.

With my body turned, the other one of Karl's sidekicks took the opportunity to jump on my back and started punching my head. I automatically threw myself backwards, so that he hit the ground forcefully with me on top. He immediately released his hold on me and I stood up leaving him winded on the floor.

Karl (the coward) seeing that his friends had been beaten to the ground, moved back towards Leah and his remaining buddy. It was too late though and in a flash I had grabbed him round the neck and pinned him up against the wall. His feet were kicking as they failed to touch the ground and his legs were flailing much like Leah's had been earlier when he had her pinned to the floor. I could see the fear in his eyes and got the impression it was a long time since he had his ass handed to him. Unfortunately, dogs like him had always gone unchecked on the reservations; the authorities just didn't have the resources to deal with them and everyone else turned a blind eye and didn't want to know.

I looked over to his friend. "Let her go." I growled.

The dick dared to look at Karl for confirmation.

"Do it." He croaked, as my hold on his throat tightened.

He threw the barely conscious Leah on the floor and quickly started walking backwards with his hands raised. When he finally deemed it safe enough to turn his back on me he ran away from us as quick as he could.

My attention returned to Karl. "You ever go near her again. I'll kill you."

I felt him gulp against my hand as I threw him on the floor and he scrambled up. He didn't even stop and help his two other friends and just sprinted after the one who had made his escape.

I sighed and looked down at Leah. She didn't move, but her breath seemed steady. I saw her purse lying nearby and picked it up to see if I could find a phone and get someone to come and get her. I couldn't just leave her lying in the dirty alley. Unfortunately, her purse was almost empty. There was a set of house keys and a small piece of square paper. I pulled it out, hoping for a phone number or address and as I unfolded it I realised it was an old photo of Seth. He was smiling and hugging someone, but whoever it was had been torn off.

I noticed just how badly the picture was crumpled and worn, and I felt a lump rise in my throat. I carried a picture of Rachel in my wallet that was just as tatty from being constantly stared at. I looked down at Leah again. It seemed that I wasn't going to be getting any information out of her in this state so I had no choice but to take her home. The idea did not appeal to me in the slightest, but I had no other option.

I picked her up bridal style, keeping hold of her purse and started the half a mile walk home. She didn't stir once and eventually I reached my block. As I climbed the stairs to my apartment I became increasingly alarmed at how little she weighed. There was nothing to her at all. Her tiny legs hung limply and her head was slumped back, showing me just how thin and drawn her face was. Her nose had stopped bleeding, but was caked with dried blood and her eye was still bruised and enflamed. I would have expected her healing powers to have taken care of it already.

Juggling the girl in my arms, I managed to get my keys out and unlock the door. Once in, I took her to my bed and laid her down. She looked a little pale, so I grabbed a bin for good measure and put it on the floor by her head before throwing a blanket over her. I decided I couldn't bear to stare at the blood on her face any longer, so I quickly grabbed a damp cloth and carefully wiped her face clean. She didn't stir once and I took that as my sign to let her rest.

Making my way to my sofa, I sat down and rubbed my head feeling a migraine coming. I really didn't want Leah Clearwater in my apartment. This was supposed to be my place, untainted by La Push. I also had no idea what I had just got involved in. One look at her made it clear that she had problems, but whatever was happening in her life and back at the reservation was none of my business.

As I laid back on the sofa and let my eyes fall closed. I tried to relax. I had done my good deed. I had got Leah out of whatever shit the stupid girl had been involved with and tomorrow I could send her home guilt free.

I simply had to wait until morning and then this whole nightmare would be over. I settled a little at the thought. I just had to stick it out for a few more hours and then Leah Clearwater would be gone, I could return to my solitary life, and everything would go back to normal.

Just a few more hours and it would all be over. It was simple, right?

* * *

It was dusk when I was woken by someone crying. I immediately sat up and it took me a minute to realise why I was on my sofa. I looked over the back towards my bed to see Leah sleeping fitfully and sobbing. I knew she was definitely still asleep, her laboured breathing told me that much. I walked over to her, unsure what to do. She was sweating and thrashing at the blanket. I became worried she would hurt herself and quickly grabbed her arms. Suddenly, her eyes opened in shock and she ripped her arms from me and punched me in the face. I stumbled back a few steps out of shock more than pain.

She was sitting up on the bed now and looked dangerous. "Whoever the fuck you are, back off."

"Leah, it's me Paul." I put my hands up in a gesture of peace.

She stared at me a minute before relaxing slightly. "So it wasn't just a dream." She muttered angrily and ran her hand through her hair.

I didn't say anything and leant against the wall watching her. Maybe she hadn't changed as much as I thought. If so, the sooner she left the better.

Leah took a moment to look around and her eyes fell on her purse on the bedside cabinet. She quickly made a grab for it and checked inside.

"There were just some keys and the photo in it when I picked it up." I confirmed.

She glared at me. "You looked through my personal shit?"

I could have made a thousand smart assed retorts, but I didn't want to argue, I just wanted her to leave.

Seeing I wasn't going to react, she threw the blanket back and climbed out my bed. If possible, she looked even worse in the light of day. Her knees were skinned and bruised, the skin around her eye was now purple and her arms...

I automatically pushed myself off the wall and grabbed her wrist holding her arms up to the light. She was so lean that I could feel her bones beneath my fingers. "What have you done to yourself?" I hissed.

She tugged them out of my grip quickly, but not before I saw the long scars carved into her skin and numerous needle marks and bruises.

"It's none of your business." She spat and spotting the door started to walk towards it.

I had promised myself that I was done interfering, but I found myself blocking her way.

"It's my business when you bring your drug buddies to my place of work and then almost get yourself raped. I heard what you said Leah, when he had you pinned to the ground and was about to force himself on you. The money you owe, is this what it was all for?" I pointed at her arms angrily.

"Mind your own business. I didn't ask you to interfere or bring me back to this place." She went to push past me, but I blocked her.

"What the hell happened to you?" I snapped. "You used to be a bitch, but this..." I motioned up and down. "...this is pathetic."

"That's rich, Paul. What happened to me? What the fuck happened to you? Maybe, if you hadn't disappeared you'd have a right to ask that question." She snarled this time and shoved me.

I let her pass, realising that she had hit the nail on the head. I had left for a reason and I didn't need to ask or care about anything in La Push. I saw some kind of bitter victory in her eyes as she sped past me and ripped open my front door.

Leah was just about to walk through it when she paused. "I won't tell anyone I've seen you, if you do the same." Her back was to me, but I could tell she was tense.

"Agreed." I grunted, and with that she was gone leaving the door wide open.

I walked forward and sighed as I closed the door. I was definitely relived she had left, but underneath it there was a trace guilt. I saw something of myself in her and that bothered me. It was as if I could see what would have happened to myself if I had stayed behind. I let lose a growl and it sounded more feral than it had in a long time. I knew what Rachel would have told me to do, but the point was that she wasn't here.


	3. Aftermath

An hour had passed since Leah stormed out and despite being exhausted I found it impossible to go back to sleep. Her appearance in my life had shaken me more than I was willing to admit and every time I closed my eyes I was haunted by her gaunt expression and mutilated arms.

I tried not to dwell on it and buried my head in my pillow, inhaling deeply. I realized that my sheets now held a delicate floral scent and hated it; the bed had been mine and Rachel's and I'd stupidly tainted it by letting Leah sleep here.

What had I been thinking?

Leah was not a girl to be taken lightly.

I knew that according to Sam she hadn't always been psychotic, but I wasn't convinced. I just couldn't see how the brash harpy that had always gone out of her way to make our lives hell could have ever been sweet and sensitive - manipulative maybe, but definitely not sweet or sensitive. Leah Clearwater was unfortunately a Class A bitch. She lacked respect and discipline and had a major problem with authority - and that's coming from me. She also encompassed most of the things I hated in a woman, and yet, despite my low opinion of her, it still shocked me to learn she was a drug user and self abuser.

So what did that mean? Was it possible that things in La Push had actually gotten worse since I'd left?

If so, did I even care?

It was frustrating. I knew that I had to let the whole thing go. It had taken me years to put La Push behind me and I'd finally started to feel free of it. I wasn't about to get dragged back into it for any reason. It was hard enough living with the realization that Rachel was gone every morning and that it wasn't just a bad dream. I certainly didn't need to add anyone else's problems to my plate.

So why did I feel guilty about letting Leah leave like that?

The truth was that I had no idea, but I'd only just managed to build myself a vague resemblance of a life in Seattle and I wasn't about to let Leah's brief intrusion drag me back down. So what if she had no money and probably no way to get home? It wasn't like I could be expected to do anything. Jake was the person who was supposed to be responsible for her, so surely one little phone call could easily resolve the situation and then I could return to my life guilt free.

The only problem was that this wouldn't be a little phone call, especially if I called Jake direct. We hadn't exactly been on good terms when I left. In fact, the last thing Jacob had ever said to me was that it was my fault his sister was dead, and he was right.

So, if Jake wasn't an option, who else was?

Whoever I called would have to be able to understand that I wasn't going to get involved any further and that I wanted nothing to do with the packs. I would also have to trust that they would leave it at that and not be able to order me back. The list was getting shorter by the minute.

The other thing about me calling was that it would mean going against Leah's request, but seeing as the girl was clearly a nut job I could live with that.

I begrudgingly dragged my ass out of bed and made my way over to the phone. There was an old black address book lying next to it. The book itself had a smart leather cover and a golden 'R' written in italics across the front. I stroked the letter longingly, remembering when Rachel had thrown it at me after imprinting. The book had been a gift from her father for when she returned to college, but she had lobbed it at my head when I imprinted on her because she knew that she would never go back.

I was always torn about that memory. On one hand, despite the screaming, I had seen just what a beautiful, ferocious creature she was and fallen in love. On the other hand, she had told me that I had ruined her life and it turned out to be true. If I had never imprinted she would have left and would be safe and alive.

I felt my throat tightening and my chest constricting. This was just one small example of how every day was still a challenge. There was always some reminder of Rachel that I had to face. Maybe it was my own fault too. My apartment was much like a shrine to my baby, but it was my only way to keep myself sane. It was bad enough the day I realized her scent had left all of our things. There was no way I would risk removing my daily reminders. I wasn't willing to let my memories just fizzle away and make it like she was never here.

I felt slightly sick as I opened the book and scrolled through seeing all the names of people I had long avoided. Eventually, I reached 'C' and with a notch of dread I dialled the one person that I hoped would help resolve my dilemma.

After several rings, the line clicked at the other end and a familiar male voice answered, "Hello, Cameron residence."

This was a moment I had been avoiding for years and I took a deep breath. "Jared?"

There was a slight pause before Jared spoke again. "Paul?"

"Long time, huh?" It was all I could think to say.

"Yeah, no kidding..." he said shakily. "Shit man, how the hell are you?"

"I'm fine. I, err..."

I had barely got a word in before Jared was off again. "So, are you back? Sam is going to freak when I tell him you called. It's been far too long."

"Yeah, about that..."

"You're not back, are you?" He sounded disappointed.

I tried to ignore the sudden tension between us. "No, but look, this won't take long - I need a favor."

"A favor? Jeez, Paul it's been two years. You can't just ring up out of the blue wanting favors and not tell me anything! I mean, how long are you going to stay away? You should be here, man, with your family. Everyone misses you. You just completely disappeared on us."

"Three." I clarified.

"Sorry?"

"It's been three years actually and I don't have a family anymore. My only family is dead, remember?" I said coldly.

"I'm sorry. We all miss Rachel. Come on though. You should be here."

I was already getting frustrated. This is the last thing I wanted to get into. I needed to cut this conversation short and quickly. "Trust me, La Push is the last place I should be. Now, I'm sorry to ring you up like this out of the blue, but will you help me or not?"

There was a long pause. "You know I will."

"Good because I need you to get a message to Jake."

"Why can't you?" he asked confused.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Don't be dense, Jared. Think about it."

"I know things are rough between you, but you'd have about as much chance of finding him as I would."

"What does that mean?"

"He's gone, Paul. He left with the Cullens not long after you turned tail. Billy's gone too; he moved in with Rebecca and her family in Hawaii. He said there were too many bad memories here."

"Hang on, Jake's gone? What about his pack?"

"What pack? After the battle he didn't have a pack left. They just... fell apart. I know that we lost some of the cubs and I'm not taking anything away from what they meant to us, but they lost Seth. That was a heavy blow to all of us."

"So, Jake just quit? Just like that? He shirked his pack and responsibilities and ran off with those murdering leeches?"

"I don't like it either. None of us did, but what could we do? He lost his sister and one of his best friends. He wanted to leave; you of all people should get that."

"I do, but not with the blood suckers. They caused this fucking shit."

"I know, man."

"What about Embry and Quil?"

"They left too. I think they have a workshop up on the Makah Res' near Claire. I never hear much about them, just snippets through Emily."

"How can you all be so disconnected? This is bullshit."

"Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say, but a lot went down after you jumped ship, and things changed quickly."

"Well, you're still there? What about your pack?"

"Sam and I still phase and patrol, although with the leeches gone we're doing it less and less. Sam dismissed the rest of the guys after the war. He wanted them to live their lives and make the most of things after everything that had happened."

"So, it's just you two now?"

"Yep, just us, Emily and Kim, and our little girl."

"You have a kid?"

"Yeah. She's just into the terrible twos."

"Congrats I guess."

"Thanks. So, how about you? Maybe we could catch up, in person I mean. If you told me where you were then..."

"Look, Jared, no disrespect. You've always had my back, and I appreciate that, but after this phone call I'm gone again. This isn't a reunion, it's an intervention."

"An intervention? For who?"

"Leah Clearwater."

"Well, that's a name that shouldn't be said too loudly around here."

"Meaning?"

"She's bad news, man. After everything that happened she just went off the rails. We tried to help, but she wasn't interested. You know what she used to be like - sharp tongue, sharper teeth. She was the nail in the coffin when it comes to Jake. He might have stayed if she hadn't attacked Renesmee. Leah actually managed to tear a chunk of the girl's face off before Jake could stop her."

"She attacked his imprint, why? Tribal Law says..."

"I know, but she went mad. She said that Renesmee was the reason the Volturi came and that Seth was dead. Jake was furious. He almost killed her. Sam had to intervene and managed to talk him down. She was close to dead when he reached her and was just lying on the forest floor, blood everywhere. I saw it all through his mind and it wasn't a pretty sight. Anyway, after that, Jake banished her from the pack, she refused to join our pack and Sam didn't have the heart to force her."

"Then what happened?"

"She disappeared for a few months. By the time she came back, Embry and Quil had left and she was hanging out with some guys from the other end of the Res'. That's when things went from bad to worse. It started with her drinking and then went on to drugs and eventually stealing and god knows what. We all tried to help her, but she wouldn't let us. Sue tried too, but in the end she and Charlie gave up – they had no fight left."

"So you all left her alone? You left a grieving young girl alone because she wouldn't let you help her? You let her shoot herself full of drugs and no one accepts responsibility for that as their problem?" I didn't know why I was suddenly getting so angry. I could feel the wolf in me, clawing to get out. I just couldn't believe any of what I was hearing.

"Wow, calm down. Leah's always looked after herself and she's an adult. We tried, Paul, we really did, but we all had our own families to piece back together so don't you dare try and point the blame. After all, you gave up on all of us a long before any of this."

I was stunned that he had the audacity to try and make me feel guilty. "Yeah and this is exactly why I left. La Push is full of nothing but selfish cock suckers. So, what? You had to piece your life back together. At least you had something to piece back. What did Leah have? What did I have? Don't you dare judge me for leaving or act like you missed me."

There was a slight pause on the other end of the line. "Of course I missed you. We grew up together. You're as good as my brother. We all looked for you..."

"Well you didn't look very hard because if Leah Clearwater can find me pissed and stoned off her head without even trying then you are either a shitter tracker than I thought or a liar."

It was Jared's turn to sound angry. "Ok. I'm not doing this. I'm not going to stand here after three years of no contact and listen to you insult me. I'm sorry that Rachel is dead. I can't imagine what you go through every second of every day and for that reason I can understand your anger, but you left, Paul. You made that choice and that's for you to deal with. Besides, why are you so suddenly concerned with Leah Clearwater? You've always gone out of your way to make her life hell."

Hearing Rachel's name out loud stung and the pain it brought sobered my anger. I also knew that it made no sense why I was even worried about Leah. Jared was right about how I used to treat her.

"You're right. I have never liked Leah, but this is different, Jared. She showed up at the bar where I work last night and she looked like hell. Then when she left, the guys she was with tried to... they tried to rape her and you know what really got me - she didn't even fight back, she just took it. In the end it was me who stopped the attack and I had no choice but to take her back to mine to rest, but then she came around and blew up in my face and left."

"I'm sorry, she dragged you into it. You just need to forget about it though. I know it's harsh, but like I said there's no helping her."

The Jared I used to know seemed to no longer exist. That guy used to be my conscience and would always go out of his way to see the best in people. To hear him so cold towards another person, even Leah, proved how much everything had changed. It was frustrating.

"So that's it, you won't check if she's ok or even got home?" I snapped.

"I won't, but I'll tell Sam, ok? He still tries with her when he can, but even he struggles these days."

"Thanks. That's all I'm asking." Something was better than nothing, I supposed, and it was at least good news that Sam still bothered with her. I could now walk away guilt free, having passed the buck.

"So, what now?" Jared said uncertainly.

"I guess I hang up." I sighed.

"Paul, why don't you just tell me where you are and I could come up and see you? It could be like old times." He sounded genuine and almost sad.

"I know and thanks for the gesture, but unfortunately that's the last thing I want."

"I guess I understand that."

"Good. I'm glad things worked out for you, Jared. So, let's just leave it at that." It was the only nice thing I could think to say and I didn't want to end our conversation on an argument. As far as I was concerned, this was the last time I would need to speak to him.

"Sure thing. Be safe, mate."

"Sure," I said quietly and hung up immediately before things got any more awkward.

As I put the phone down, I fell back onto my sofa. I felt emotionally exhausted and was glad today was my one day off from both of my jobs. I tried to relax, but everything Jared had said kept running through my mind. The biggest shock had been hearing that Jake had left with the leeches. I also couldn't believe that he had banished Leah from his pack. I knew that imprintees were sacred, yet a sadistic part of me could understand how she blamed Renesmee. The half breed was the reason for the war and incidentally that was why Rachel was dead. I snorted as I wondered how pretty she looked after her run in with Leah and just hoped she had to live forever with a physical reminder of what she had cost all of us.

It was, at least, good to know that Jared was doing alright. He had Kim and a daughter and had clearly built himself a life. I couldn't begrudge him any of that, even though I knew it was something I would never have without Rachel.

Rachel... I tried to remember the little things about her as I did every night - the feel of her silky black hair, her sweet floral scent, the taste of her skin on my lips, her smile... the list went on. I couldn't help it. I knew the moment that I'd laid eyes on her that she was it for me. No one could or would ever compare to her or be able to take her place in my heart.

I could feel myself quickly spiralling into depression and wanted to blot it all out for once. Not Rachel per say, but the day in general. I got up and walked over to my kitchen, reaching in the back of my cupboard for an old friend. I finally found Jack and his signature black label was a welcome sight. I grabbed a glass and poured myself a large neat shot. As the first glass tipped down my throat, I relished the warm feeling it caused as it trailed down into my stomach. I chased it down with a second... a third... a fifth... a tenth... until I started to feel the buzz and lost count. Eventually, I felt satisfied that I would be able to sleep and ignore the events of the day and I crawled back into my bed ready to forget it all.

* * *

Two days had passed since my quiet life was rudely interrupted and I was pleased to be back on the road to ignorance. I had quickly thrown myself back into work and done my best to forget all about La Push yet again.

I was currently working another late shift in the bar. It was another busy night and I seemed to be spending most of it in the cellar, changing barrels. I actually found it one of the most enjoyable tasks, seeing as it was a solitary chore and a physical one. Sometimes it got frustrating, standing behind a bar and serving drinks as drunken women hit on you or intimated men were obnoxiously rude.

Clearly, it wasn't meant to last and not long after I'd fixed in the last barrel, one of the barmaids shot down the steps, calling after me panicked.

She was a petite little blonde, who looked barely twenty-one and I remembered her name was Jenny.

"Paul? Paul?" she yelled.

"In here." I hollered back.

She came rushing through the archway, looking incredibly flustered. "Paul, you've got to get up stairs quickly. Some girl is up there, shouting after you and smashing up the place. We've threatened to call the police, but she's not budging."

"A girl?" A feeling of dread dawned on me. "What does she look like?"

"Skinny, long black hair and um, like you," she said, blushing.

"You mean Quileute?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "One of the guys tried to stop her, but she floored him and no one else has dared to go near her."

It didn't take much for me to realize exactly who it was and I groaned at the thought of what was going to be a very public, attention drawing scene. I immediately stormed past Jenny and up the stairs. It wasn't long before I heard the bitter yelling of the angry woman and the sound of glass smashing.

I turned the corner and entered the bar only to be faced with Leah Clearwater. She was red faced and fuming. Her body trembled and as she turned towards me, she seemed to pick up speed and ran at me.

"You fucking interfering bastard! Do you have any idea what you have done! I'm going to fucking kill you." She was on me in seconds, her fists flying at my face and her knees aiming for my nuts.

Despite her fury, she still looked frail and within seconds of her assault I had grabbed her and locked her arms behind her back, pinning her front against the nearest wall. She tried to kick backwards at me, but I pinned her legs with mine.

I looked around and saw the crowd that had gathered around us. The bar was covered in shattered glass and my colleagues stood in the background, looking concerned.

"Just what the fuck are you doing?" I hissed into her ear.

"You told him, bastard," she yelled, thrashing once more.

"I..." I was about to try and calm her when my manager arrived.

"Just what the hell is going on here?" He had frozen in the door way with a look of shock across his face.

Jamie, the barman, tried to stick up for me. "It's not Paul's fault. This girl came in here and started smashing things and shouting for him."

"Call the police." He immediately ordered, and Jamie reluctantly picked up the phone and started dialling.

"You know this girl?" My manager turned and looked at me, eyebrows raised.

Leah went to speak, but I gripped her tighter.

"Just shut up right now," I snapped and shook her more roughly than intended. "You hear that? The police are coming, are you happy?"

She trembled once more in my grip, but fell silent.

I looked at my boss, trying to weigh up all the ways this could end. The guy hated me, so whatever happened was unlikely to have a positive result. Worst of all, the police were coming for Leah. It really shouldn't have worried me, considering the destruction she had just caused, but after speaking with Jared the other night and knowing what had gone on back home it did. I had to make a decision and quickly, and I already knew what it was. I just hoped it wouldn't ruin everything.

I looked my manager in the eye. "I'm sorry, Sir. Miss Clearwater here was just leaving. She is very sorry about the damage and I'm willing to pay for any costs personally out of my pay if we can resolve this without the police being involved."

"Paul, you know the rules about bringing your personal life to work." He seemed to digest my offer, before the glint of a smile crossed his face. "However, I am a fair man. If you will pay for all damages, I'll be happy to tell the police this was a misunderstanding."

I couldn't believe he was going to let it slide just like that. Maybe he didn't hate me as much as I originally thought. "Thank you, it won't ever happen again."

He nodded. "Of course not. After all, you're going to hand in you notice immediately, aren't you?"

I did a double take. "Excuse me?"

"Well, I can't risk this kind of thing happening again, so I think it would be best for you to leave. Then she has no reason to come here _ever,_" he said coolly. "Of course, if you would like to take the official route we can always have her arrested. It's really up to you."

"You cheating fuck," I hissed. "I'm your best worker and you'd just sack me for this one thing?"

Surprisingly Leah continued to remain still against the wall. A part of me wanted to snap one of her wrists that I held in my hands out of sheer spite. She had done this to me and it just wasn't fair. My safe life was crumbling in front of my eyes. I looked back to the smug asshole a few meters away from me.

My manager looked unfazed and incredibly pleased with himself. "Don't be absurd. I couldn't fire you for this. That would be a breach of your contact. After all, you have just been assaulted at your work place and it's my duty to support you if you wish to report it to the police. I'm just suggesting a more suitable solution that suits everyone."

I turned away, hate filling my mind. I twisted Leah's wrist so that it hurt her and felt some brief satisfaction when she flinched. "What do you think, Leah? Do I hand in my notice or do you fancy a trip down town?" I asked bitterly.

"Fuck you," she spat.

I sighed. Despite how mad she made me I knew I couldn't let her be arrested. "I think you just did," I answered.

I looked back to my manager. "Fine, I quit. You can take my notice as paid holiday with immediate effect. I believe I have more than enough days to cover it and the damage."

"Yes, that's quite agreeable. I trust you can see yourself out, Mr Lahote." He nodded and happily walked off into his office, slamming the door behind him.

Jamie approached me, my jacket in his hand. "I'm sorry, man. That was harsh." He offered.

"Yeah, well shit happens. I'll see you around." I nodded to him in thanks before adjusting my grip so that I had a strong hold of Leah's arm. With my free hand I grabbed my jacket and hauled her out the back exit and into the alley. I heard the sounds of glass being swept up as the door slammed closed behind me and I threw her onto the grimy concrete.

Leah didn't even try and stop her fall, and tumbled to the ground. She slumped onto her ass and sat there pathetically. I couldn't bear to look at her and decided to beat the shit out of a trash can rather than her. Eventually, when the bin was reduced to nothing more than a tin can, she decided to speak.

"This is your fault. You shouldn't have got involved," she said bitterly behind me.

I laughed out of sheer disbelief. I turned to face her. "At what point should I have stopped? When you were going to be raped? When I told Jared out of some sort of concern? Or when I stopped you getting arrested? Tell me, Leah - what the hell were you thinking? I just lost my fucking job because of you and all you can say is it's my fault? You are such a fucking bitch."

"Screw you. You shouldn't have done any of it. I don't need you to be my hero. Thanks to you, Karl won't fucking speak to me and Sam has been threatening to get me committed. You've ruined everything and I hate you," she yelled from the floor.

"I think you've managed to ruin everything all on your own. You didn't need my help." I snapped. "And by the way, you don't have to worry because I certainly won't be interfering again. You're on your own."

"Good." She snorted and started to push herself off the floor. I noticed she was in a pair of dirty jeans and a tatty old t-shirt. Her hair was thrown up in a rough pony-tail and there was the faint trace of a bruise around her eye.

"You're pathetic. Do you even realize what a state you look or don't you care? You may as well be dead the rate you are going," I said in disgust.

For the slightest moment she looked ashamed. It was her eyes that gave it away. Under her angry expression there was something in them that seemed to dim, and suddenly I got it.

"Fuck. You're actually trying to destroy yourself, aren't you?"

"I... don't be a fuck-tard. I'm leaving." Her expression hardened and she started to head towards the street.

"Who knows, maybe you will succeed where I couldn't," I shouted after her.

She froze at the end of the alley and looked back over her shoulder. "Excuse me?"

I mimicked a gun pointed at my temple with my hand and made a gunshot noise. Leah raised her eyebrows.

"I tried, but couldn't bring myself to do it." I explained. "At this rate you will though."

"Well then, I guess I'll be doing you all a favor," she said bitterly. She opened her mouth to speak and then shut it. Eventually she seemed to find the words she was looking for. "Why didn't you do it?"

"Do what?" I asked confused.

"Die," she said it as if it was obvious.

"I don't know. I guess Rachel once told me how she felt about suicide and it stuck. I guess I live for her. Seth would..."

She shook her head angrily. "You don't get to say his name, no one does, and don't pretend to understand me. We're different."

"And yet the same." I laughed sourly.

She didn't even answer and this time strolled out on to the pavement and into the crowds without looking back.

I stayed where I was briefly before starting the walk home. I was still pissed off that I had just been fired, but I knew I'd find something else easy enough and that there was no point in worrying about it.

Leah on the other hand still made me furious. It didn't seem to matter what she did or said she just left a trail of destruction behind her and fucked everything up. My new life had been almost good up until now. I should have just let the cops take her away. That would have solved everything and would have probably even helped Sam get her committed if that was really was what he was up to.

Is that what she needed though?

Was she actually crazy?

Sure, this was Leah Clearwater and she had always been mental, but actual crazy I didn't know. Was Sam's solution just a way of getting her out of the lives and passing the buck like I had and if so where did the buck stop?

God, I hated her. I honestly did, but I also understood her in some ways and it worried me that she had actually bothered to track me down to yell at me. She also knew where I lived and I had a sinking feeling that this wouldn't be the last I'd hear from her.

* * *

AN

Look at me go - two stories updated in the space of two weeks! I really hope you enjoyed the latest chapter and thanks to everyone for bearing with me. As always your feedback is appreciated and I'm grateful to all that have read and/or reviewed this story so far!

Finally, I must give praise to my beta don'tcallmeleelee who is my little comma saviour!


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